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Psychotherapist offers 3 phrases to avoid when talking to someone with ADHD
ADHD manifests differently in different people, and everyone with ADHD will have a unique perspective on the mental health disorder. For some, it can be disabling and require medicating, or a lot of extra effort, to manage. Others find it easier to operate in a world built for neurotypical people. We wanted to find out if there are any general rules its good to follow when communicating with people who have ADHD to avoid coming across as insensitive or conversing in a nonconstructive way.
We reached out to Kristie Tse, a regular contributor to The Focus, to better understand what communicative strategies are most likely to pay off when spending time with people who have ADHD. Interpersonal relationships suffer when people dont communicate well. This is true across the board, among neurotypical people as well as neurodivergent people. And, yes, neurospicy people. Heres what we found out about what to say, and what not to say, to someone with ADHD.
Psychotherapist offers 3 phrases to avoid when talking to someone with ADHD
As a first-generation Asian American psychotherapist, Kristie Tse has made it her mission to help people navigate their mental health challenges with compassion and understanding particularly those from marginalized communities.
She suggests we avoid three phrases in particular, when conversing, and especially when disagreeing with, someone with ADHD.
- Why cant you just focus?
This question dismisses the very real challenges people with ADHD face when it comes to maintaining focus and attention, she says.
It implies that they lack the willpower. But its not a question of willpower. People with ADHD have a neurological difference, compared with neurotypical people. ADHD sufferers’ inattention is the result of differences in brain function and structure, not an unwillingness to interact with the world in a socially acceptable way.
- Everyone gets distracted sometimes.
Of course everyone gets distracted sometimes. However, the common experience of distraction is not the same as the kind of distractedness people with ADHD often experience.
Comparing the neurotypical experience of distraction with a neurodivergent persons experience of distraction can feel invalidating, Kristie says. It minimizes the unique difficulties that those with ADHD encounter in managing their attention and impulses.
- Youre just lazy.
Not only is laziness a harmful label for people with ADHD, but its also inaccurate, according to Kristie. People with the disorder often work extremely hard to manage their symptoms.
Operating in a world designed by neurotypical people for neurotypical people can take a lot of energy. Telling someone theyre lazy for wanting to retreat into their cocoon shell after a hard day of masking can exacerbate feelings of shame and inadequacy, making it even harder for them to seek support, Kristie says.
Conversational approaches to avoid and what to replace them with
Kristie discourages people from using overly directive language.
Phrases like, You need to& and You should& can come across as controlling or judgmental, she says. Instead, try to offer suggestions in a collaborative, supportive, and empowering way. This mode of communication may be preferable for many people without ADHD as well as those with it.
She also advises against dismissing the experiences of someone with ADHD, or for that matter any sort of mental health condition.
Avoid language that diminishes or invalidates the lived experiences of someone with ADHD, she says. Phrases like Its not that hard or Youre overreacting can shut down communication and create feelings of isolation.
Finally, try an empathetic listening approach. Listen without judgment, acknowledge the challenges faced by your conversational partner, and deliver simple affirmations like, I can see how that would be difficult.
This way, we can validate individuals experiences and open doors to more supportive, positive dialogues.
Kristie has contributed her wisdom to The Focus before for pieces on how eating the same meal every day can increase creativity and how to put the brakes on a compulsive buying habit. Shes the founder of Uncover Mental Health Counselling, and we can say from experience a very clear communicator on the subjects of habit-forming, mental health disorders, and psychological wellness.
