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Self-compassion expert explains why you need to silence your ‘inner critic’
The phrase I am my own harshest critic is one that many people will have encountered throughout their lives but having an overly harsh inner critic can create a whole raft of problems according to a psychology professor and self-compassion expert.
Have you ever found yourself putting yourself down for not completing a task to a certain standard or judging your appearance negatively when you look in the mirror? Then the advice of Dr Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, might be just what you need.
Why you need to silence your inner critic
Dr Neff features in the latest episode of the Feel Better, Live More podcast, hosted by Dr Rangan Chatterjee, in which the pair discuss why people should silence their inner critic as well as ways to help people become more compassionate with themselves instead of being overly harsh.
Ensuring that your inner voice isnt constantly criticizing you is vital not only for your mental well-being but also for your physical health, explains Dr Neff.
Our state of mind impacts our body and how healthy and how well its functioning, she says. When were really hard on ourselves, it activates the sympathetic nervous system response, which is associated with things like high cortisol levels (stress hormone), inflammation, high heart rate, eventually high blood pressure and heart attacks.
When were constantly in, you might call it the freakout mode, the threat-defense [mode], where we feel really threatened, our bodys on very high alert to deal with the danger, she continues, comparing the situation to our ancestors fleeing from a predator.
But if the danger is like, Does this dress make me look fat?, the things we criticize ourselves for constantly, we feel like a lion is chasing us and that constant activation is actually bad for our physical health, the professor explains.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is really the antidote to our more habitual way of being which is harshly self-critical or really cold to ourselves, explains Dr Neff, who has been studying the importance of self-compassion for more than two decades.
Dr Neffs research has uncovered that there are three components to self-compassion; self-kindness, mindfulness and common humanity.
Its an increase in positive behaviors like being kind to yourself, being mindful and feeling connected to others, she explains. And its a decrease in things like self-criticism or feeling isolated from others.
Dr Neff says that a good way to think of self-compassion is to imagine a sports coach who exists inside your head.
Instead of berating and criticizing you, they will be more sympathetic and will instead look to find solutions to the problems youre facing and help you to learn from your mistakes so you can do better in the next game.
How to practice self-compassion
Beyond simply explaining what self-compassion is and detailing why its important, Dr Chatterjee also asked his guest to suggest several ways that listeners could practice self-compassion themselves. These included:
Fake it until you make it | It does feel weird at first, especially if your habitual way of relating to yourself is really harsh, explains Dr Neff. What we also encourage people to do is to use language that feels comfortable because if youre super syrupy sweet and you dont believe it, youre going to be creating conflict in your mind.
Dont completely shut out your inner critic | It’s unlikely that you’ll want to completely shut down your inner critic as they may help in situations of growth or improvement but Dr Neff recommends dealing with that internal voice differently, suggesting that you can say something like, “Thank you, self-critic, I know youre trying to help… maybe youve got some useful information, but would you mind saying it in slightly more constructive terms?”
Think about what you would say to a friend | I tell people to think about what you would say to a good friend in a similar situation, explains Dr Neff. This is a particularly good way of thinking about self-compassion as you most likely wouldnt be so harsh on a friend, so don’t be so harsh on yourself. �
Compassionate letter writing | This method could also fall into the realm of journalling. Dr Neff suggests, “First paragraph [would be] mindfulness, being aware of what youre feeling, aware of your pain. [Then] writing a paragraph reminding yourself that you arent alone, this is part of the shared human experience. And then writing a paragraph with kindness, the way you might write to a good friend who is going through a similar thing.
Meditation | Meditation is one of the most powerful ways to actually change your neural circuits, your neural pathways, [and] build new habits, says Dr Neff. I have guided meditations on my website that people can listen to.
If you want to learn more about self-compassion practices, as Dr Neff alludes to, you can find a wide array of resources on her website, self-compassion.org.
