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Question that ‘always outs’ an emotionally unavailable partner, from a social psychologist
You’re better off alone than dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner who isn’t always easy to spot. Rest assured, that they are going to leave you too.
Whether an emotionally available partner finds you or you always attract them owing to your unresolved issue, the relationship is certainly going to end in heartache. You can avoid all the drama and save your precious time by simply asking them about their former relationship.
Traits of a dismissive avoidant partner
Dr. Sarah Hensley is a social psychologist and relationship coach studying different attachment styles and attraction patterns for over two decades.
She says partners who avoid intimacy and run away from emotions are most likely to have a dismissive-avoidant style, which traces back to their relationship with the primary caregiver.
Those who grew up in a family devoid of healthy emotional connection tend to be hyper-independent and avoid intimacy because their emotions were neglected in childhood and they haven’t learned to deal with their feelings, let alone their partner’s.
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If you were to date an emotionally unavailable man or woman, they would be there for you at first. They may cater to your emotional needs for the first few months, only to slowly pull away.
“In romantic relationships, they do this painfully slow fade away over time,” she warns, before revealing one question you can ask such a partner to spot their problematic trait early on in the relationship.
How to know if they are emotionally unavailable
Dr. Sarah suggests asking the person you suspect of being emotionally unavailable what they did to get over their previous long-term relationship.
She says a dismissive avoidant will “always have the same answer” and it would be along the lines of: “I don’t know what I did. I mean, it just is what it is. It just didn’t work out. So, I kind of got over it. I had to. I moved on.”
She says this only means they did “absolutely nothing” to reflect on their role in the breakup. They will rather distract themself with work or a new partner while “suppressing” actual emotions.
An emotionally secure partner, on the other hand, would take the time to reflect on their role in the breakup, seek help in any form, and work towards being a better person in the next relationship.
