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Matchmaker warns against common phrases that will make a breakup worse
Matchmaker Barbie Adler has cautioned couples against using common phrases that might actually make your breakup considerably worse.
Relationships are complicated. If you manage to get past the dating app stage, you are forced to contend with external factors like wandering eyes and other people attracting your date with carnelian jewelry. If the time has come to call it quits, you will need an armory fully stocked with dating expert techniques. These phrases are not those.
‘Its not you, its me’
Barbie Adler, who earlier revealed the qualities women look for in men, is a professional matchmaker with over 4,000 successful matches under her belt. Speaking to The Focus, she delved into cliche phrases that should definitely not be popping up in your breakup speech.
“This is a line we have all heard a thousand times before in movies and TVand thats precisely why you should avoid it at all costs,” she explained.
Though there is nothing necessarily toxic about saying “It’s not you, it’s me”, Barbie said that it has lost its meaning following decades of regurgitation in both the real world and pop culture.
“Relationships are a two-way street, and its extremely rare that one person is entirely to blame. A breakup may occur for a variety of reasons, from a lack of chemistry to different goals and visions of life,” she explained. “When breaking up with someone, its best to be honest and specific.”
‘Im just not ready for a relationship’
If you find yourself using this line after dating someone for a considerable amount of time, you can surely understand how stupid it sounds. If you’re not ready for a relationship, why are you in one?
“Often, what we mean when we say this line is that we feel like the relationship has been moving too quickly and we do not feel like we are able to treat the other person the way they deserve to be treated, or that we have personal difficulties that we need to work through before we can feel secure in a relationship,” Barbie told us.
Instead, the expert said it is important to validate the importance of the relationship before you explain why it’s not going to work out in the long term.
‘I dont deserve you’
This phrase is often uttered in a bid to cushion the blow of a painful breakup. Usually, the one doing the breaking wants to keep the other person’s self-confidence intact. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect.
“In response, they are likely to try to deny what youve said and explain why you do deserve them, making it more difficult to have a clean break,” Barbie said. “If you frame the breakup as being due to your own faults, they may try to focus on restoring your self-esteem and reaffirming their love rather than addressing any deep-seated problems that caused the relationship to go south.”
‘Maybe things could be different in the future’
Unless you’re a time traveler, we’d warn against using phrases that inspire hope about a future that will never happen.
Barbie noted that “the future” is an ambitious statement that will mean different things to different people. Using such a phrase could also land you in a situation where the other person is constantly holding out hope for your relationship.
‘I need to take things more slowly‘
This is one of the few phrases that aren’t inherently negative to use in a breakup situation. Despite that, it should not be used as a replacement for “I want to break up.”
As Barbie explained: “This phrase should not be used to break up with someone, but to express a sincere wish to work on improving your relationship and getting to a place where you both feel that youre on the same page.”
