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I went to a grief counselor before I ever lost someone to prepare me for the worst
Though I am obviously grateful for not having lost a relative or grandparent at the age of 26, the lack of grief experience has left me with overwhelming stress, so I spoke to the grief counselor.
Even with stellar advice and helpful mantras out there, nothing can truly prepare you for the moment a relative dies. Not only does grief literally age you, but it leaves you with feelings and emotions that you might not fully understand. With that in mind, The Focus spoke to a grief counselor.
I’ve not lost a single relative
In my teenage years, I watched on as friends around me lost grandparents, uncles, aunties, and even those in their immediate family. At the time I was incredibly thankful, of course, but looking back I can’t help but wonder whether losing a grandparent in your earlier years prepares you for grief in later life.
With those devastating experiences already under their belt, surely my friends were better set up for dealing with grief later.
I am now 26 and with both sets of grandparents alive and kicking between the ages of 67 and 85. But with no prior experience of grief, I can’t help but stress over how I’m going to react. Will I cry? Will I feel numb? How long will it take for me to feel normal again?
Rather than toil over such serious issues until that dreaded moment, I reached out to Sandra Kushnir, the CEO of Meridian Counselling, for some advice on the five stages of grief and how to deal with them.
“Navigating the five stages of griefdenial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptancecan be an incredibly challenging process. Each stage represents a different emotional response to loss, and its important to understand that grief is a deeply personal experience, with no right or wrong way to go through it,” she said.
The first stage of grief is denial
“Denial is often the first stage of grief, where the reality of the loss has not yet fully sunk in. Its a natural defense mechanism that allows the mind to process what has happened in smaller, more manageable pieces,” Sandra told us.
You can’t really force an acknowledgment of the situation, so Sandra suggested giving yourself some time to come to the conclusion naturally.
Surrounding yourself with support can also give you the space you need to open up on the situation, the counselor explained.
Grief makes people angry, and that’s okay
After denial and the eventual acceptance comes anger, with Sandra saying that it might be directed at yourself, the deceased, or people around you.
“Find healthy outlets for your anger, such as talking to a therapist, engaging in physical activity, or writing in a journal,” she suggested.
Sandra further urged people to unpack their emotions and get to the root of anger, which could be a response to the “pain and helplessness” that comes with loss. Whatever you choose to do, do not push your anger down.
The third stage of loss is bargaining
Once the anger dissipates and you finally understand what you’ve lost, you might start to feel helpless in the situation.
“In this stage, you may find yourself thinking about ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ scenarios, wishing that you could change the outcome,” the counselor said. “Bargaining is an attempt to regain control in a situation where you feel powerless.”
Though bargaining is completely natural, it’s best to remind yourself that you can’t change anything or do anything in that moment that is going to bring that person back.
After bargaining comes depression
When you finally understand that nothing can be done, it’s natural for overwhelming depressive feelings to set in. As with the other stages, it’s important not to rush head-first through the depression stage.
Sandra said: “Focus on taking small steps each day. Whether its getting out of bed, taking a walk, or talking to someone, every small action can help you navigate through this stage.”
If the feelings are too much then it might be time to address the situation with a doctor. There are lots of depression treatments out there, ranging from proven drugs to classical music.
It takes a while to get to acceptance
The last stage of grief is acceptance, which doesn’t mean you are happy with the loss. Instead, acceptance means that you are prepared to live with your grief and not let it weigh you down.
During the acceptance stage, the counselor suggested implementing ways of celebrating the deceased. This allows you to celebrate their memory without chaining yourself down with the heavy emotions you have just spent weeks wading through.
If youve never experienced grief before, its essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Grief is not a linear process; you might find yourself moving back and forth between stages, and thats perfectly normal,” Sandra concluded.
