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How to deal with that ‘pesky 10%’ of your partner you don’t like, according to a relationship therapist
When you’re dating someone, they are often perfect in so many ways but there are one or two traits that you aren’t so keen on.
Perhaps they aren’t as affectionate as you’d like, or they’re really messy and leave their belongings all over your home. When something negative crops up, it’s easy to think you’re not a great match and it’s time to call things off – but don’t be so hasty.
Not liking some parts of your partner is normal
We spoke to relationship therapist Michelle Herzog to find out what you should do when you like most of your partner but there are some things you just can’t get on board with, a feeling that so many people will be able to relate to.
She told The Focus there’s something called the 90/10 theory which explains this exact phenomenon and said you shouldn’t be so quick to call it quits – because the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
“Essentially, the idea behind the 90/10 theory is that in most partnerships, you’ll like about 90% of what makes up your partnerthis is the solid, lovely chunk of the relationship pie, so to speak. But then there’s that pesky 10%traits or habits you might find less than charming,” she explained.
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“Maybe its the way they never replace the toilet roll, or how they insist on making a symphony with their morning cereal. Whatever the case, it’s not uncommon for wandering eyes to start looking for that missing 10% in someone else.”
While it might be tempting to think things would be better if you were dating someone else, the theory says you’ll find a new partner who has the 10% of qualities they were missing, but will soon find out they are lacking that other 90%.
Would you rather have a partner that’s 90% right with a few things you aren’t keen on or one that only suits 10% of your preferences? You should love most of your partner, but it is normal for some things to rub you up the wrong way. Nobody is perfect!
How to deal with that ‘pesky 10%’ you don’t like
Not liking some parts of your partner is ok. We’re all human and you’re not going to agree with every single thing your other half does, but there are things you can do to deal with that “pesky 10%” and move past it.
“Remember, the grass isn’t always greener on the other sideit’s green where you water it. By nurturing the relationship you have, you can turn that 90% into a pretty fulfilling 100%, quirky bits and all!” Herzog said.
She has outlined six steps to take if those negative traits are playing on your mind:
- Accept the Unchangeable: Remember that some things can’t be changed. Your partner is just who they are, so focus on the 90% you do love instead of the 10% you don’t.
- Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: Talk openly and honestly with your partner about what bothers you. A simple conversation can help you find a compromise.
- Find Common Ground: Look for ways to connect over the 90% you love. Spend time doing things you both enjoy, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
- Seek Compromise: If some behaviors are more challenging to deal with, discuss ways to compromise and find a middle ground that hasnt been explored yet.
- Practice Gratitude: Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship instead of the negative ones. Being grateful for what you have can make the 10% seem less significant.
- Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to work through the 10%, consider talking to a relationship counsellor who can help you move forward.
Michelle Herzog (LMFT, CST) is licensed relationship and sex therapist and nationally recognized dating expert who graduated with an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northwestern University.
