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9 phrases to avoid when someone is having a mental health crisis, revealed by experts
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Raising awareness about suicide, and mental health problems in general, is as important as its ever been. The Focus got in touch with several mental health experts, therapists, and counselors, to compile a list of useful tips when communicating with someone who is experiencing a mental health crisis.
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the US. Far more men die by suicide than women, and in 2022 there were 1.6 million suicide attempts in America, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The changing seasons can impact peoples mental state, leading to seasonal affective disorder. Effective communication begins with empathy and a willingness to listen. With any luck, the three experts advice presented here will leave you feeling better equipped to support a friend who is struggling.
Create an environment where the person feels safe, heard, and supported
Certified psychology consultant Bayu Prihandito pinpoints a few specific phrases hed say, or not say, to someone experiencing an acute episode of mental health difficulty.
The goal, he says, is to create an environment where the person feels safe, heard, and supported.” The point is not to offer solutions, nor to fix the issue. He highlights that sometimes, saying one thing, even if you mean it well, can cause more harm than good.”
To avoid falling into this trap, prioritize the simple act of listening: Validate their feelings and show that you do care through empathy. Listen, be present, and gently encourage whomever youre supporting to get professional help.
What to say:
- “You dont have to go through this alone. I’m here for you.”
- “It’s okay to feel like this, but know that there are ways through it, and we can find those together.”
- “I may not fully understand what you’re going through, but I want to help.”
- “I’m here for you, no matter what you’re going through.”
What not to say:
- “Other people have it worse”: Here, Bayu says, comparing their struggle invalidates their own experience, and can make it seem meaningless.
- “You should be grateful for what you have”: Telling someone they are insufficiently grateful is a surefire way to reduce their capacity for gratitude. When dealing with a mental health crisis, gratitude is never a fix.
- “You’re just overreacting” or “Its not that bad : In Bayus opinion, statements like these completely dismiss their suffering and isolate them even further.
- “You just need to toughen up : This blames the person for feeling the way theyre feeling. It implies that theyre weak and that something is wrong with them. Not helpful, Bayu says.
Bayu Prihandito is a certified psychology consultant and life coach, and founder of Life Architekture.
Benevolent firmness and safety agreements
Couples and family therapist Debra Castaldo reminds us that periods of serious depression can impact anyone, and having vague, suicidal thoughts from time to time is part of our human nature.
When those thoughts become invasive, consistent, and obsessive, we need to step in. We need support from people who care about us.
Debra suggests that, as a first port of call, we err on the side of caution. If you know someone who you think might be hiding suicidal thoughts, encourage them to see a psychiatrist for evaluation. Your person may hate you for it, she concedes, but consider the alternative.
She has a few pointers on what not to say to someone suffering a bout of intense, inescapable depression.
- Do not shame or guilt them for their thoughts or accuse them of making it up to get attention.
- Do not remain silent and pretend that you don’t know that the person is struggling.
- Do not tell the person to just get over it, shape up, or that things will get better another day.
She also says shes seen family members discourage someone from seeking the appropriate professional care, such as psychotherapy or medication, based on the notion that we dont believe in that.
Instead, Debra says, remind your loved one that they are loved by you. The goal is to offer empathy and support, to be there for them, and to let them know explicitly that you are. You might say:
- “I’m so sorry you are feeling so badly.”
- What can I do to help you through this? I would like to keep you company, is that OK with you? I am with you.
Make a safety plan agreement, she adds. Agree that they will call you on a specific day, or at certain intervals, or if they feel the feelings are overwhelming. Let them know you will be available 24/7.
Suicidal thoughts can hit as an emotional tsunami, she concludes. It requires patience, kindness, and yet benevolent firmness as a friend or family member to help your loved one climb out of the darkest mental ditch we can experience as humans.
Dr Debra Castaldo is a couples and family therapist with 35 years of experience working in divorce adjustment, family relationships, parenting, adoption, sexuality, and abuse.
Approach conversations with empathy, patience, and without judgment
Scott Dylan is a PTSD sufferer and trained Samaritan. Ultimately, he says, the most important thing is to listen. Everyone needs to feel heard, sometimes.
You dont need all the answers, but being there with genuine concern can make all the difference.
He has three specific pieces of advice regarding what not to say to someone struggling with their mental health, which are also relevant in conversations with people experiencing suicidal ideation.
- Avoid dismissive phrases like its not that bad and things will get better, he says. The intention may be positive, but they can make the person feel invalidated as if their pain is being trivialized.
- Avoid quick-fix platitudes that require them to simply be positive, such as think of all the good things in your life. Theyve already tried doing this. These comments can feel disconnected from the depth of their experience.
- Never say You shouldnt feel that way, Scott warns. This type of response can isolate your interlocutor, or shame them.
On the other hand, here are three things you should do:
- Acknowledge their feelings: Simple phrases like ‘Im really sorry youre feeling this way, and Im here for you’ can go a long way.
- Ask open-ended questions: Try asking How can I support you right now? or Can you tell me whats going on in your mind? This opens the door to deeper conversation without pressure.
- Encourage seeking professional help: You can only do so much, assuming youre not a trained therapist or counselor. But do so carefully, Scott says. Its important to offer resources gently, such as Have you thought about talking to someone who can help you through this? rather than telling them what they ‘should’ do.
These conversations are difficult, Scott says. But they also save lives.
If you are affected by any issues raised in the article or would like someone to speak to, please call the Samaritans for free on 116 123. You can also email them at [email protected] or visit samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.
You can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text 741741 to get in touch with the Crisis Text Line. Americans can now call or text 988 to reach out and speak to a counselor.
