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Why staying friends with your ex is rarely a good idea
Breakups are hard and so is cutting all contact with someone you once loved. A 2017 study sought to understand why so many people had the urge to stay friends with their exes. However, psychologists who have weighed in on the phenomenon don’t think it’s always a good idea.
Relationships aren’t always easy, and going through a breakup can be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. The level of pain also depends on how long two people have been together and how deep their connection is. Hence, many choose to stay friends with their exes. The decision could be due to various reasons, but depending on why you still haven’t cut contact with your ex could determine how healthy or unhealthy that decision is.
Study explains urge to stay friends with our exes
A 2017 study published in the journal Personal Relationships states there are four reasons why we feel like staying friends with our ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. The four key motivations are – security, practicality, civility, and unresolved romantic desires.
It’s natural to feel secure with someone you have been very close to for an extended period. No one is closer to us than our partners. Despite the romantic relationship coming to an end after a breakup or divorce, the sense of emotional security remains. Psychologist Mark Travers notes (via Forbes) that friendships born out of wanting to be there for one another during difficult times have a net positive impact on people’s lives.
It is also a positive when those who have kids together decide to remain friends as it’s practical to get along for the sake of the child. Travers also notes that it is important for exes to take time away from each other after a breakup. That time would be well spent reflecting on why the relationship didn’t work out and understand what you can improve in yourself. It is important to asses the red flags one might have neglected in their ex so they don’t end up with someone similar again.
When it’s not a good idea to be friends with your ex
It’s mostly the latter two reasons – civility and unresolved romantic desires – that cause a massive issue. If someone’s friendship with their former romantic partner is based on a desire to be civil, the motivation may run out sooner or later.
It is also a terrible idea to remain friends while one of the two has romantic desires for the other. Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr notes on Psychology Today that this can often lead to feeling heartbroken and jealous, and also lead to deteriorated mental health. It can also send you into a loop of being in an on-again-off-again relationship.
How friendships with exes affect future romantic relationships
You being in frequent contact with your ex via texts or meeting in person is a sign to your new partner that you aren’t entirely over them.
It can also make it seem like you are carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationship, thus reducing your chances of building a new one. Dr. Travers asks people to answer some basic questions when in this situation:
- How will your ex react to your current partner?
- What questions will your new partner have about your ex and how you will respond?
- How comfortable will it be if you have to introduce your ex to your new partner?
- How will you feel about telling your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend about your new partner?
