How can I help my friend with depression?

Depression Mental health

By Jack Turley

7 June 2020

I lost my large intestine to a dreadful disease last year and now Im losing my best friend to depression.

We havent spoken in weeks. I message him every few days. Call him, too. Not so much that its pestering, I hope. But not so little that he could ever think I dont care. Because I do. Since our university freshers’ week, its almost six years that weve been inseparable.

Off the Grid

This isnt the first time he has shut out his friends and family. When unresponsive for a concerning period last year, to ensure he was okay, I drove home from a holiday. His brother nearly knocked down our flat door when I was in hospital and couldnt check on him. I know he hates the idea of being checked on, but when he goes offline to those closest to him, it sets the dark corners of my imagination into motion.

Invisible Illnesses

Mental health issues frighten me. They are just as debilitating as physical disorders like Crohns or Colitis, the latter of which made St Thomas hospital my second home for 2019. My disease is classed as an invisible disability, but depression, anxiety, bipolar, these are even stealthier and trickier to confront. A more distant friend with a chronic condition committed suicide not too long ago; whenever my best friend goes off the grid I now fear for the worst.

I can see why his social circle has dwindled since graduation. With no mutual effort since, some friends have become mere acquaintances or have lost contact altogether. Regardless, those closest still care deeply about him.

But it takes an emotional toll the longer Im ignored. Especially now we no longer live together, and particularly in lockdown when I cant physically go and force him to get out of his room and talk to me.

I miss my mate. I miss his sense of humour, his willingness for adventure, and overall just his presence in my life.

Reluctance to talk

When Ive previously asked about NHS mental-health care options, or the therapy options his employer offers, hes dismissed them, bemoaning their uselessness.

I drift from feelings of loss, to concern, to sadness, to loneliness, to anger that my best friend ignores me. Hes being selfish, a family member insists. But is he? Because his actions as a terrific friend for six years say otherwise. My family dont understand, I dont understand, and I doubt he does either. I just wish someone had some clear advice that would change things.

Ive read countless articles on depression, an audio book on cognitive behavioural therapy, even books on neuroscience. But if he doesnt respond to me or his other remaining friends, how are we supposed to help?