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9 tips for coming out, from one queer person to another
Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is never an easy task, so with that in mind, here are 9 considerations to make, from one queer person to another.
After centuries of hiding in the shadows or being lost to history, queer people have experienced a Renaissance of sorts in the last few decades. But that isnt to say life is easy and dandy, as evidenced by the continued oppression of our transgender brothers and sisters and the fact we still get those looks from straight people.
You dont have to come out if you dont want to
For years, I grappled with the dreaded conversation of telling my loved ones that I was queer. I watched countless YouTube videos on the subject, consulted elder gays, and even trialed the conversation with friends.
After all that preparation, I still never came out, at least not in the traditional sense.
As an opinionated 15-year-old, and after coming out to some friends, I realized that my truth is just that, its mine! I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.
Instead of sitting my parents down for the awkward encounter, which is often based on the shame of feeling you have something to admit, I simply started living more authentically. Soon enough, they came to the correct conclusion.
This is not me suggesting that you dont come out, but instead, a reminder that you should only do it when you want to, and when it feels right.
Its your moment, you choose the details
Expanding on my previous point, largely because its the most important, you should never feel obligated or forced to come out of, for lack of a better term, the closet.
You get to choose who you tell, where you tell them, and when. If you dont want the information shared with others, its your right to dictate that.
Have a support system ready
To say that every coming out experience will be a bad one would be naive, but the same could also be said for assuming everyone will be okay with it. Sometimes, people are fine with LGBTQ+ people, just not when it’s someone close to them.
This is why its vital to build yourself a solid support system, whether that be friends, family, or people online. Such communities are often dubbed chosen family by queer people.
Come out to yourself first
It might sound stupid, but I know a few people (myself included) who initially had trouble with saying the words Im gay or Im trans and so on. If you cant admit it to yourself, youll undoubtedly run into issues when trying to come out to others.
Not only is it important to acknowledge your queerness, but coming out to yourself could be seen as an audition. Stand in front of the mirror, try out different sentences, and feel out what is the most natural.
I used this technique myself in my teenage years, and it allowed me to gravitate to the label queer.
Googling how to come out is a rite of passage
Whether youre new to the community or have been waving your rainbow flag with pride for years, you would have undoubtedly searched how to come out on Google. For my generation, it was YouTube, where influencers like Connor Franta and Troye Sivan shared their own tales of woe.
Im not suggesting you live another persons narrative, but understanding common issues and tribulations can be helpful in navigating your own.
Give people the space and time they need to digest
After initially coming to terms with my same-sex attraction, I found myself filled with rage when anyone reacted slightly negatively to my coming out. Of course, it was a protection technique that is very normal, but my understanding has evolved since then.
Its only in recent times that I have realized people need time to understand what you have had years to come to terms with. Im not condoning negative reactions, but dont let their words and expressions at the moment impact your mental health.
Often, people, and parents in particular, need a little time to wrap their heads around it. Thats okay.
You need to understand your audience when coming out
When stepping loud and proud into your gayness, its wise to consider who you are talking to. While other members of Gen Z might understand queer jargon like gender expression, cisgender, or groups like bears, will your grandmother really understand what a twink is?
Dont go running back to that closet, but do pick language that can be more easily accepted by wider audiences. That way they can focus on the point of the conversation and not strange Gen Z slang.
Safety should always be a consideration
Queer people have come a long way in recent years, but to suggest prejudice doesnt exist would be outright dangerous.
Trans people are obviously under continued persecution throughout much of the Western world, and thats to say nothing of the countries where gay people are still illegal. On the more local stage, acceptance of LGBTQ+ is reported to be decreasing.
You should never hide from who you are, but if you believe your safety could be compromised by coming out, its best to seek help from the numbers listed at the bottom of this article.
Coming out is a lifelong process
The first time you say those words will feel like a weight has been lifted, and thats something that literally every queer person can attest to. However, it wont be the last time.
Youll be forced to confirm your sexuality for the rest of your life, but dont worry, it gets considerably easier, and youll probably have some fun with it.
For UK support, visit LGBT.Foundation/helpline or call 0345 330 30 30, or email [email protected]. There is also a 24-hour crisis text service available at 85258 from Give Us A Shout, or you can call 0300 330 5468 for MindLine Trans+
For support via phone, one-to-one chat or email, you can contact The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564. There is also The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743.
You can also contact Trans Lifeline on (877) 565-8860, a trans-led organization connecting trans people to the community. They also offer details of support and local resources. Please visit PFLAG for more support and helplines here.
